The Desire to Create

The desire to create lives within the souls of millions of people. From photographs to music to paintings to literature, and a wealth of beauty in between, that need to do something can be painful. It's a pain that lives deep within a person, a knot that won't go away until something is done. Once the paintbrush is picked up, or the pen is put to paper, the ache begins to dull, fading to a dull throb. The ache remains like that while the creator is doing what they need to do. Once they leave that beautiful place, they find the pain returning, only to die down once they're back doing what they're called to do.

I felt like that for a long time. This summer has been the first one in four or five years that I've been able to sit back and enjoy. I haven't been desperately trying to get something started. I haven't felt like I'm racing against a mythical countdown that I only I can sense. For the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of peace and completion, as though that clock has, for the moment, either stopped or paused. To be able to relax and breathe has been a blessing this summer.

I've enjoyed the sun. I've spent time in the garden. I've delighted in walking among the trees. I've explored new places and drank in the warm air of a summer's evening. For now, it's nice to rest and relax and not have to worry about creating. While the sun still burns high in the sky, creating can take a back seat.

And it's been good for me on a creative level, too. Seeing the world through fresh eyes has allowed me to see old projects through fresh eyes, too. It's allowed me to make notes on other projects that I'd like to begin, or to branch out and start dabbling on those projects that I swear I'll do if only I had the time. But, for the past three years, my mind has been focused on that perpetually ticking clock, the clock which has pushed and pushed me to do something. Now I feel that I have done that something and I can do other things while publishers decide where its new home will be.

Whenever that urge hits, follow it. Create something beautiful and don't stop until it's finished. Put it out in to the world and see what happens. You never know what will happen when you pick up a pen, or a paintbrush, or a guitar, and do something amazing.

Remember Who You Are

Do you remember what it was like to be a kid? Do you remember what it was like to play and dream and talk of the future? Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were eight years old?

As we go through life we lose track of those memories. We forget that child who dreamed of being a vet, or an astronaut, or a storyteller. We forget about the wonder of looking at a clear night sky or taking a walk through the woods. We become worn and beaten down and stop looking at the world through innocent eyes. We forget that, at eight years old, we believed we could do, or be, anything.

Society tells us that, once you reach a certain age, there is no time for imagination or play. Adults must no longer allow their minds to wander to the impossible words of “What if?”.

But what would happen if you allowed your mind to wander? Where would it go? What would you see? Who would you meet? The mind is an amazing place, filled with all manner of incredible stories. It's the place where dreams live, where ideas are born, and where the first tentative steps of travel are taken. There's truth in the saying “You can do anything you put your mind to”. It will take hard work and perseverance but it can be done.

Release yourself and let your imagination soar. Allow it to go to the places that it stopped exploring when you reached adulthood. Go back and remember who you were. Remember that innocence and freedom and embrace. Let your fears go. And when you dare to dream have the courage to follow through with them because none of us knows what tomorrow will bring.

Learning to Live

It's been nearly a year since I came off the medication. The drugs I was given were used to control the after effects of my 2004 drug overdose. In the wake of that, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. 

I'm not going to lie; it's not been an easy twelve months. There's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of learning. Emotions have been bubbling to the surface and sometimes I haven't been sure of what they were. Anger? Exhaustion? Happiness? It's all been a little confusing but I finally feel like I'm getting a handle on it. As every day dawns, I ask “What am I going to learn today?”.

Grief has been a recent emotion I've been dealing with. Grief for what's been and gone. Grief for the years I feel like I lost to recovery. Grief for the things that have happened and the people that have come and gone from my life. Grief as I debate whether to lay long held dreams to rest and live the hand that I've been dealt.

But I refuse to give up. I believe that I have more to give this world than what you read in my books or on here. Keeping going is hard. It's like battering your head against a brick wall. It's like trying to break down walls with a fork. It's like long, endless nights of crying as you try not to slip back into the comforting depths of depression. It's being strong when your body and brain just want to give up.

I could choose between darkness or light, between the crippling depression or the brightness of love. Being evil and vindictive felt good. But that flicker of power was just that; a brief burst in an otherwise bleak world. To choose happiness, and to be happy, felt so much better. And it wasn't for me. It wasn't a choice of ego. Rather it was the happiness at seeing people smile and laugh. It was the beauty of a sunrise, the joy of a song, or the pleasure of a favourite snack. It was about enjoying the little things in life while working on the bigger things. It was, and still is, about letting go of the negative people and situations that were dragging me down. It's been about letting go of the hurt from the past; attacks, drug and alcohol abuse, and people who've seen someone who they can abuse. It was about being kind rather than cruel. Most of all, it was about being comfortable with myself and who I am rather than seeking out those dark corners of drama and dispute.

It was about not letting the darkness win again.

Brilliant Books - February 10th 2016

Wednesday February 10^th saw me leaving Leicestershire and heading back in to Nottinghamshire for the 2016 Brilliant Books. Apparently Nottingham and Leicester aren't the best of friends at the moment (something to do with some game called “football”. I believe our American friends call it “soccer”.). But I was willing to take that risk because this is one of my favourite times of the year.

Brilliant Books is an initiative that encourages reluctant readers in schools to get involved with reading and creative writing. The team bring in people who they find to be an inspiration and have them talk about their favourite books. At the end of the eight weeks, the students stories are compiled into a single volume that anyone can buy.

Last year, we did War of the Worlds. This year, to keep with the Victorian theme, I picked another HG Wells classic in The Time Machine.

The Time Machine has been placed on film a number of times but the book, with its wonderfully winding imagery, is still a joy to read. We went over chapter two which looks at the protagonist's initial journey into the future.

From The Time Machine we jumped to War of the Worlds, including the infamous Orson Welles radio broadcast. Explaining how it caused panic back when it was first broadcast was fun and interesting. It also gives an idea of just how quickly technology has developed in the past century.

We spoke about how the Victorian era is being translated by modern authors via Steampunk. World building and detailing were also issues we talked about, including how to get an image across to a reader, especially if the subject matter is unfamiliar to many people. Along the way, we touched on copyright (one book I had with me was Alan Moore's The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. By that point, the characters he used would have been out of copyright).

I did prepare another spooky story but we were did so much talking that it wasn't needed! (Last year, we talked about Skinwalker Ranch in Utah. This time I was going to tell the story of Rendlesham Forest in Suffolk. The incident that took place there is sometimes referred to as the UK's Roswell).

One part of the day that I thoroughly enjoyed was reading over some of the students stories. These guys are talented and are already running rings around some writers! Their ideas are clever and well executed and I'm looking forward to seeing the finished stories.

Going and speaking to the students of Nottingham's Free school was an honour. Being given the chance to pass on a love of reading, writing and creating was a privilege. To spend time with them is also an inspiration to myself and I always find myself coming home with new and exciting ideas. Brilliant Books is a fantastic project to bring young people together and get them creating. It's an initiative that I'm hoping will be going for many years to come.

~~~

A number of well known indie authors are included in a book that it is helping to keep Brilliant Books going. I was very blessed to be included alongside some well known names from the indie circles including Brenda Perlin, Georgia Rose, Mark Barry and Lynne Morley. You can find out here how I crammed God, the Devil, a chess match, Dave Grohl, Lemmy, Metallica, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, U2 and the Birds of Satan into less than 1100 words:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Access-All-Areas-Various/dp/1517734290/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1455134714&sr=1-3&keywords=access+all+areas

Signs From Above

What is it about this world that you love? The sun? The snow? Cold, frosty mornings?

For me, it's the rain. I've loved the sound of rainfall ever since I was a child. There's something peaceful and relaxing about the sound of rain pattering on the roof. It helps me feel connected to our beautiful world.

Way before You Tube and MP3 downloads, I had to wait until it was raining to get my fix. I'd scour the weather reports, waiting for that perfect summer's day so I could sit beneath my tree. I much preferred the summer storms. There would be leaves on the tree and it would be warmer. I could sit on the grass with no shoes on and feel the stray raindrops that wriggled between the branches on my toes.

As I moved around the country so I had to find new places to sit and watch the world go by during those rainy moments. Sometimes it was the garden of a surgery just along the road from where I lived. Or the trees that surrounded the market square. There was the gazebo in the back garden or the conservatory attached to the house. I needed to find places where I could sit and switch my brain off.

With the internet, we're now able to find relaxation videos of every kind. Many of them run for several hours.

Two years ago, I went to Las Vegas. One of the things I wanted to witness was one of their incredible storms. Unfortunately, I was going in April and their storm season tends to be between December and March.

During my stay, we took a trip to LA. We drove between the two cities and, on our return to Vegas, something remarkable happened. As we were unloading the car, several spots of rain landed on my back. The friends I was travelling with also felt it yet there was only a little haze in the sky. It was a beautiful moment and one I'll treasure forever.

In August 2015, I travelled to London to do research for a book I'm writing. One of the central themes of this story is the British weather. The protagonist enjoys nothing more than sitting beneath the awning of his shop and watching the summer storms pass overhead. They're the scenes I've enjoyed writing the most, watching as the rain becomes a metaphor for the changing of this character's life.

Watching the rain from Kensington Gardens

I stayed in the exact area of London that my character lives in. I wanted to know what he'd see, hear, and smell on a daily basis. I wanted to know where he'd shop and who he'd bump in to. While the likes of Google Street View is great for research, it's nothing compared to actually being there.

I checked the weather forecast before I went as the British weather can be extremely indecisive. Rain had been forecast for one of the two days I was there and I couldn't have been happier. I excitedly packed an umbrella and waterproofs and prepared to spend a long time sitting in Hyde Park and watching the weather.

And rain it did. The day was the perfect replica of the ones I remember from my childhood; warm and sunny before the sky became overcast and the heavens opened. I spent several hours doing something I hadn't done for many years; sitting beneath a tree and listening to the rain. As it abated, I returned to my hotel, opened the sash window and waited for it to begin again.

Tea - check
Notebook - check
Rain - check

My hotel backed onto a small park and I was blessed with a room that not only overlooked this green space but that also had a small balcony. As the storm returned for round two, I stepped out on to the balcony and nestled myself beneath the protective cover of the eaves. Listening to London in the midst of a rainstorm, with its never-ending traffic and people talking, was beautiful. For me, it was peaceful, relaxing and inspiring. I came home feeling cleansed and ready to finish the story I'd started so many months before.

Chasing Your Tail

The creative process can be a lot like a dog (or cat if your cat is like that!) chasing its tail. It can seem like fun at the beginning because you're going round and round and getting dizzy but, man, you just can't catch the end of that tail!

Every creative person has been there. You come with an amazing idea and start working on it. Sooner or later, you hit a brick wall. It could be a creative, financial or time related wall. But it happens.

Then the chase begins. Mortality and a feeling of time being lost may rear its ugly head. Another idea relating to your original one may strike. Hopelessness might settle in. You may begin to panic and wonder how you're going to finish it. You stand up and once more try to work on that crazy, brilliant idea you had.

Yet you feel like you're getting nowhere. You feel like you're running in circles while the goal you want to reach stands just mere inches from you. No matter how much you reach or how hard you stretch or how fast you run, you can never reach it. It always, inevitably, seems to stay just out of your grasp.

Finally, you tire and it's in these moments that the best ideas seem to appear. Once you're taking care of yourself you find that the ideas begin to flow. You may find a way to get that financial backing. That niggling plot line may correct itself. Shows may seem to book themselves. But none of it would have been possible without your own hard work.

How do you survive “The Chase”? Learning to look after yourself is one way. Again, that's something that many creative people don't do. We seem to trudge on, fighting through illness and life problems to get to the end product. We grind on until we can't take it any more. Learning to look after yourself is something I'm only just learning to do. If I want to sleep, I sleep. If I want to drink a gallon of tea and eat ALL the biscuits, then I do. I've even learned to say “No”, something I haven't done in a very long time. If I want to write something completely random and off the wall, I do. While I keep my eye on the end product, this is a freeing experience. And a nap in the middle of the day never hurt anyone!

Do something else, anything else. I've got some phone calls to make. But there's an eight hour time difference and waking someone up in the middle of the night just ain't cool. So I've sorted part of my wardrobe, taken a nap, and now I'm writing this.

Create, even if it's not what you want to be working on. Stretching the imagination in another direction can lead it to where you need to be.

Talk. Call a friend and brainstorm with them.

Try, as much as you can (and no matter how frustrating it may be), to enjoy the journey. You'll get there whether it's tomorrow or next year. You can do it!