Sunday, 29 March 2015

Medication Withdrawal Symptoms Bingo

I've come off of drugs three times now (once for illegal drugs and twice for prescription medication) but the playbook always remains the same when it comes to the symptoms. You can pretty much predict what's going to happen, and when. Here's a list of what's been happening this time around:

  • Can't decide if hangry or sleepy.
  • Listening to talk radio at 2am (thanks, Coast to Coast!).
  • One song going around your head all freaking night (In my case, it was Eiffel 65's “Blue”)
  • Three hours of cat videos when you should have been doing something else.
  • Muscle spasms.
  • Itching.
  • Aching where you definitely shouldn't have aches.
  • Skull splitting migraines
  • Nope, definitely hangry.
  • Trying to resist the urge to eat at 3am.
  • No sleep 'til the alarm clock goes off!
  • Finding the wallpaper really, really interesting.
  • Twelve hours sleep and still can't move.
  • Bouts of amnesia.
  • Wondering if starting drinking again would be a clever idea.
  • Eating twelve Cadbury's Creme Eggs in 24 hours. Not sorry.
  • Rearranging the bookshelves at midnight.
  • Vacuuming at 3am.
  • Hot
  • Cold
  • Hot
  • Cold
  • Oh, just make your mind up, body!
  • Ebay, Amazon, and the online food delivery place all becoming your best friends.
  • Finding out your favourite pizza place is still delivering at 4am.
  • Complete and utter lack of concentration. Ooo! Look! A kitty!
  • Losing the ability to write. And read. And walk. And genuinely just do anything.
  • Wondering if the cat's humouring you or does genuinely hate you.

This is for all my friends who are recovering, been through the recovery, or are thinking about it. You can do it! And don't forget that there's always someone around for you to talk to. Just hit the “Contact” button if you'd like to chat.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

If Your Dreams Don't Scare You...

“What’s your next mission gonna be?” – Kate – ‘Mission To Lars’

Many of us have that “mission” inside of us. A gnawing feeling that eats away at us every day. For some, it’s being able to see a certain person or place. For others, it’s that sense that there’s something bigger out there. Something that they need to do but aren’t sure how to achieve it.

But how do you follow that feeling in your soul? In a world that’s being with physical and digital noise, it can be hard to listen to that little voice inside of you. Social media, the news, and a million and one other things all fight for our time. It gets to a point where the colour of a dress is more important than what our own mind is telling us to do.

You have to do it. You have to follow this beacon in your heart. It's a voice that you can't ignore. But, when you've come home from a long day at work or are dealing with screaming kids, what do you do? It feels as though there's no time to play, nor anyone to listen if you do decide to start your journey.

And if you do decide to step on to that road? It's a hard one. It's long and winding. It'll be painful at times. Many times all you'll want to do is give up and go back to your old way of life.

But that little voice stops you from doing that. It urges you to keep going. To look around the next corner and under the next rock.

For many years, I stilled my little voice. I hide it behind drink and drugs. I silenced it with day jobs and other activities. But slowly, that voice began to fight back. It began to claw and howl, reminding me of the life I wanted to live. And slowly, I began to take steps towards that life.

And it's scary. I don't like change. I find a nice, comfortable spot and I won't move. My mother tells a story that, as a child, I'd sit on the floor surrounded by my toys. If I had to crawl to fetch something, I didn't bother instead only playing with those within my reach. To be blunt, change scares the living shit out of me.

So I'm surprised I didn't go grey when I decided to follow the path I'm currently on (I probably have but I haven't see my natural hair colour since I was about 16). It's a hard path to follow and there's no promise of success at the end of it. Yet I constantly see the images of what could be in my mind and so I follow my heart. It's telling me that I need to walk along this winding road and see where it takes me. Because you really don't know what's at the end of it.

“It's just breaking through fear. It's like jumping out of an aeroplane.” - 'Mission To Lars'