The Desire to Create

The desire to create lives within the souls of millions of people. From photographs to music to paintings to literature, and a wealth of beauty in between, that need to do something can be painful. It's a pain that lives deep within a person, a knot that won't go away until something is done. Once the paintbrush is picked up, or the pen is put to paper, the ache begins to dull, fading to a dull throb. The ache remains like that while the creator is doing what they need to do. Once they leave that beautiful place, they find the pain returning, only to die down once they're back doing what they're called to do.

I felt like that for a long time. This summer has been the first one in four or five years that I've been able to sit back and enjoy. I haven't been desperately trying to get something started. I haven't felt like I'm racing against a mythical countdown that I only I can sense. For the first time in a long time, I feel a sense of peace and completion, as though that clock has, for the moment, either stopped or paused. To be able to relax and breathe has been a blessing this summer.

I've enjoyed the sun. I've spent time in the garden. I've delighted in walking among the trees. I've explored new places and drank in the warm air of a summer's evening. For now, it's nice to rest and relax and not have to worry about creating. While the sun still burns high in the sky, creating can take a back seat.

And it's been good for me on a creative level, too. Seeing the world through fresh eyes has allowed me to see old projects through fresh eyes, too. It's allowed me to make notes on other projects that I'd like to begin, or to branch out and start dabbling on those projects that I swear I'll do if only I had the time. But, for the past three years, my mind has been focused on that perpetually ticking clock, the clock which has pushed and pushed me to do something. Now I feel that I have done that something and I can do other things while publishers decide where its new home will be.

Whenever that urge hits, follow it. Create something beautiful and don't stop until it's finished. Put it out in to the world and see what happens. You never know what will happen when you pick up a pen, or a paintbrush, or a guitar, and do something amazing.

Remember Who You Are

Do you remember what it was like to be a kid? Do you remember what it was like to play and dream and talk of the future? Do you remember what you wanted to be when you were eight years old?

As we go through life we lose track of those memories. We forget that child who dreamed of being a vet, or an astronaut, or a storyteller. We forget about the wonder of looking at a clear night sky or taking a walk through the woods. We become worn and beaten down and stop looking at the world through innocent eyes. We forget that, at eight years old, we believed we could do, or be, anything.

Society tells us that, once you reach a certain age, there is no time for imagination or play. Adults must no longer allow their minds to wander to the impossible words of “What if?”.

But what would happen if you allowed your mind to wander? Where would it go? What would you see? Who would you meet? The mind is an amazing place, filled with all manner of incredible stories. It's the place where dreams live, where ideas are born, and where the first tentative steps of travel are taken. There's truth in the saying “You can do anything you put your mind to”. It will take hard work and perseverance but it can be done.

Release yourself and let your imagination soar. Allow it to go to the places that it stopped exploring when you reached adulthood. Go back and remember who you were. Remember that innocence and freedom and embrace. Let your fears go. And when you dare to dream have the courage to follow through with them because none of us knows what tomorrow will bring.

Learning to Live

It's been nearly a year since I came off the medication. The drugs I was given were used to control the after effects of my 2004 drug overdose. In the wake of that, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. 

I'm not going to lie; it's not been an easy twelve months. There's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of learning. Emotions have been bubbling to the surface and sometimes I haven't been sure of what they were. Anger? Exhaustion? Happiness? It's all been a little confusing but I finally feel like I'm getting a handle on it. As every day dawns, I ask “What am I going to learn today?”.

Grief has been a recent emotion I've been dealing with. Grief for what's been and gone. Grief for the years I feel like I lost to recovery. Grief for the things that have happened and the people that have come and gone from my life. Grief as I debate whether to lay long held dreams to rest and live the hand that I've been dealt.

But I refuse to give up. I believe that I have more to give this world than what you read in my books or on here. Keeping going is hard. It's like battering your head against a brick wall. It's like trying to break down walls with a fork. It's like long, endless nights of crying as you try not to slip back into the comforting depths of depression. It's being strong when your body and brain just want to give up.

I could choose between darkness or light, between the crippling depression or the brightness of love. Being evil and vindictive felt good. But that flicker of power was just that; a brief burst in an otherwise bleak world. To choose happiness, and to be happy, felt so much better. And it wasn't for me. It wasn't a choice of ego. Rather it was the happiness at seeing people smile and laugh. It was the beauty of a sunrise, the joy of a song, or the pleasure of a favourite snack. It was about enjoying the little things in life while working on the bigger things. It was, and still is, about letting go of the negative people and situations that were dragging me down. It's been about letting go of the hurt from the past; attacks, drug and alcohol abuse, and people who've seen someone who they can abuse. It was about being kind rather than cruel. Most of all, it was about being comfortable with myself and who I am rather than seeking out those dark corners of drama and dispute.

It was about not letting the darkness win again.