Saturday, 27 February 2016

Learning to Live

It's been nearly a year since I came off the medication. The drugs I was given were used to control the after effects of my 2004 drug overdose. In the wake of that, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. 

I'm not going to lie; it's not been an easy twelve months. There's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of learning. Emotions have been bubbling to the surface and sometimes I haven't been sure of what they were. Anger? Exhaustion? Happiness? It's all been a little confusing but I finally feel like I'm getting a handle on it. As every day dawns, I ask “What am I going to learn today?”.

Grief has been a recent emotion I've been dealing with. Grief for what's been and gone. Grief for the years I feel like I lost to recovery. Grief for the things that have happened and the people that have come and gone from my life. Grief as I debate whether to lay long held dreams to rest and live the hand that I've been dealt.

But I refuse to give up. I believe that I have more to give this world than what you read in my books or on here. Keeping going is hard. It's like battering your head against a brick wall. It's like trying to break down walls with a fork. It's like long, endless nights of crying as you try not to slip back into the comforting depths of depression. It's being strong when your body and brain just want to give up.

I could choose between darkness or light, between the crippling depression or the brightness of love. Being evil and vindictive felt good. But that flicker of power was just that; a brief burst in an otherwise bleak world. To choose happiness, and to be happy, felt so much better. And it wasn't for me. It wasn't a choice of ego. Rather it was the happiness at seeing people smile and laugh. It was the beauty of a sunrise, the joy of a song, or the pleasure of a favourite snack. It was about enjoying the little things in life while working on the bigger things. It was, and still is, about letting go of the negative people and situations that were dragging me down. It's been about letting go of the hurt from the past; attacks, drug and alcohol abuse, and people who've seen someone who they can abuse. It was about being kind rather than cruel. Most of all, it was about being comfortable with myself and who I am rather than seeking out those dark corners of drama and dispute.

It was about not letting the darkness win again.


  1. I love how you are always so open, so honest in sharing with us. There is a raw unfiltered quality to your words that reaonates with me, on a day when I could easily give up, go back to bed, draw the covers over my head and take comfort in the darkness this is something I needed to hear. I dont want to retreat to the darkness it is comfortable there not because it pleases me or I like it but only because it is familiar and actually out there in the big wide world amongst the things I am scared sometimes even the things I am scared of are truly wonderful experiences, wonderful people and my chance to make a difference in the world. You are an inspiration, your kindness, your strength in the face of adversity, your enduring enthusiasm and your abilty to feel joy despite knowing so much sadness give others strength. You dont say the journey will be easy only that the journey will be worth it and that is enough to keep me going. Sending you love and luck in spades xxx

    1. If these comments had "Love" buttons, I'd have hit it for this one. Thank you so much, my friend. This is not an easy journey. Nor is it pain free. But, sooner or later, hopefully the dawn will come and the sun will rise. Staying away from the darkness is hard, as is not repeating patterns we've found to be so comforting. But, at the end of it, there will hopefully be love and joy and a world that has been changed for the better. Never lose the faith and always keep walking forwards.