Hi! My name's Rae and I'm an addict!
Well, former addict now. Once upon a
time, I was hooked on cocaine, amphetamines, ketamine and alcohol. At
one point, I pretty much blew my brain thanks to everything I was
taking. I was hooked and I loved it. I didn't care that my skin was
yellow, my hair was thinning and I was on the verge of losing my
liver.
Addicts can be selfish fuckers. I
didn't care who was picking up the tab as long as I was drinking,
eating, getting high and had a place to sleep. I didn't care if my
hand was in your pocket. Hell, you'd better count your fingers once I
was done with you. I didn't care as long as I was as high as a kite
and had something to bring me back down. Some people may remember me
from those days and, to them, I'm sorry and I thank you for staying
beside me and believing in me.
For the most part I was a functioning
addict. I held down a job and had a relationship. But one day the
lights went out. Something in my brain flicked off and on and I found
myself spiralling downwards. Hallucinations, shakes, I had the lot.
Whether it was an overdose or just my brain deciding it had had
enough I don't know. I was admitted to hospital for brain scans and
eventually put onto medication to level everything out. One friend
dutifully took me to the hospital whenever I needed to go. We spent a
lot of time discussing life, the universe and mental health. To him I
will be forever grateful. That was in 2004. A couple of years ago I
was finally diagnosed with bipolar, something which may be a result
of the “breakdown”. I'm still on medication and may be for the
rest of my life. I still hallucinate from time to time. The worst
episodes see me locking myself away in the windowless bathroom.
It took me four years to get back on my
feet. Four years of not working, not writing, not doing a lot of
anything. I hated myself. I felt useless and broken, a waste of space
and a drain on resources. Several times I contemplated suicide.
Eventually a wonderful person in the north took a chance on me and
gave me a job. I was finally able to feel something akin to pride.
I've moved since then and am still in
touch with the wonderful people from the north. I work another job
now. My first novel has been published, my second will be out in
October and I'm currently working on my third. Occasionally my brain
still flips out, still breaks down. So I still have to be ultra
careful, not pushing myself too hard. Occasionally I forget and
everything stops.
Why am I writing this? Why am I airing
my dirty laundry? Because, no matter how you're feeling, life's not
useless. If you feel like crap remember that the sun will rise
tomorrow. If you feel like life has lost its lustre, go and find
something which inspires you. Never give up no matter how bad you
feel. There will always be bad times but there is hope. There are
people who are willing to help you. Tomorrow is just another day,
another step closer to the person you want to be, another chance to
do what you want to do. No matter where you want to be, keep going.
If life gives you lemons, make
lemonade!
