Living With A Stalker

A couple of days ago, I wrote an open letter to HarperCollins and why I won't be supporting them any more. It revolved around something one of their authors did. A criminal act which, hopefully, the person in question is now getting help for.

Let's talk about stalking. Let's talk about how it can affect lives. Let's talk about how it's not cute and funny.

As I mentioned before, I was the victim of a stalker. He was an ex who'd decided that me saying “No” to him wasn't enough. He was determined to follow me and harass me until I changed my mind and said “Yes”. And I came so close so many times just to get him to stop.

He called my family constantly. He contacted them on Myspace (this happened pre-Facebook and Twitter). He sent them text messages DEMANDING that they made me get back with him.

I had to move. Twice. And he still found me. He found out where I lived, what classes I was taking, where I was working, where I shopped, where I went out, who my friends were. I'd come out of class and find him standing around and chatting to my friends. One of my workplaces called to tell me he'd been in asking about me. Every place I worked at stood up for me and barred him. Yet he still tried to get in.

He called me. Constantly. I'd turn my phone off for lectures and, when I turned it back on again, there were be ten, twenty, thirty missed calls. There would be angry voicemails asking me why my phone was turned off. For some reason, he didn't understand the meaning of going to university. Didn't understand that I had to sit and concentrate and couldn't be on call 24/7 for him. Apparently I was supposed to be available at all times, even though I was 200 miles away.

He chased me along deserted roads as I tried to escape him. I pushed and kicked and hit and screamed. But he still kept on coming, grabbing at me and demanding I didn't leave him. But I had left him. I'd left him because I couldn't cope with his neediness and needed to get my head down and study.

I called the police. Oh, believe me, I called the police. One day I called them while he was standing outside of my house and screaming at me. I held the phone up for the police to hear. My voice was filled with the terror of the hunted. But their response remained the same. “Sorry, ma'am, we can't do anything until he does something to you”. “Does something” basically meant they couldn't touch him until he hit, raped, or, God forbid, killed me.

This was one of the many reasons I turned to drink and drugs. They were a weapon to obliterate what was happening around me. They made me forget about him, and all that he was doing. To me, my three years at university were a waste because I didn't really achieve anything. This was before campuses and establishments took things like harassment of students seriously (admittedly, my original college in the Midlands dealt with it very well when one of the students followed me home. I had the choice of what could happen to that student. My university, however, failed me miserably). I dropped out at the beginning of the third year and spent the next twelve month drifting around the area before I finally made my way home. Even there, he didn't stop.

Once back home, he found me again. It didn't matter that I was in the throes of going through drug withdrawals. He started calling again. Started writing letters. All the time he was begging me to return to him. This was four years after I'd left him.

When I was clean and sober, I had to move. Again. This time I had a secret weapon in the form of my brothers. They saw my stalker one night. When he asked how I was, one of them replied, “She's dead”. They, like myself, were tired of the constant harassment. Tired of being dragged into the drama that I'd unwittingly forced them to be a part of. And they'd managed to free me when I couldn't free myself.

I never heard from him again. But I still carry the scars. Whenever I'm in the local area, I'm super wary of who's around me. If you've travelled anywhere with me, you may notice that I get a little jumpy and nervous. I also get quiet. Deathly quiet. I know he's not there but I can't help feeling that there's someone, just waiting around the corner for me.

Stalking isn't funny. It isn't something to joke about. And it's definitely not something to brag about. It leaves scars. Not physical scars but mental ones. And they're hard to break free from. It crushes a person's self esteem and confidence. It makes them feel worthless and alone. It traps them and makes them feel like there's no way out. People have killed themselves because of stalkers and I'm only happy that I've had people who've helped, and still help, me get over those boundaries I've put around myself.

Many of those scars still live within me. I've unconsciously made myself ugly so that I don't attract attention. I dress in baggy clothes and rarely wear make up. I don't have the confidence to get dressed up and look nice. I still jump at shadows and unexpected noises. I still creep around the streets, waiting for someone to jump out. I still doubt myself. I'm still looking for the confidence I used to have.

If you have a stalker please speak out. Email me. Call someone. Call the police. The authorities are now admitting that this is a problem and they have agencies in place to help you. They will help. Please don't live in fear. There's a master list of phone numbers here:

Helplines Master List

You're not alone. And we'll look after you. We promise.

Why HarperCollins Have Lost A Customer

UPDATE: What it's like to live in the shadow of a stalker.

Dear all at HarperCollins,

I'd like to bring to your attention the online (and, it seems, the real world) behaviour of one of your authors. Kathleen Hale.

Now, are you ready for this? This is a woman who took a negative review of her novel so badly that she wound up stalking and harassing the woman who posted the said review. Can we just repeat that:

SHE STALKED AND HARASSED SOMEONE WHO POSTED A NEGATIVE REVIEW.

Not only that, but she BULLIED someone who claimed to have been molested by Hale's own mother.

Where, in anyone's right mind, is that sane and safe behaviour?

I'm sure you're receiving a million emails about this and I'm sure I'll get a standard response from you that these articles are all fiction and not to worry about them.

I do worry, that's the problem.

You see, like many people, I've been bullied and harassed. But not just a little bit bullied and harassed and stalked. No, I've been at the point where I've had to move several times and change my name. I've had to have people tell the stalker that I'm DEAD before I've been left alone. I still live in fear of those people and constantly have to hide.

Let's reiterate that again shall we?

Stalking, bullying and harassing, whether real or fictional should NOT be tolerated. If those articles are fiction, then they should have said as much. If this is her behaviour, as a publisher, you shouldn't be scared. You should be TERRIFIED. Because if this was me was stalking, I wouldn't just be suing her. I'd be suing YOU as well. And she'd have made half my case against her and yourselves by posting it all on the public forum.

I'm appalled at you for allowing such articles to be published and I hope you reprimand this author. If she takes this action every time a negative review is posted then maybe you should tell her that writing (or any other form of employment that allows reviews) isn't for her. Ask her how she'd feel if she was the one who was being harassed. I bet she wouldn't like it. Actually, I'd love to sit and ask her myself. But I get the feeling that, from the way she writes, it probably wouldn't get through her thick skull. She looks like she's one of those people who's so wrapped up in herself in her own “problems” that no one else matters. I'd love you to prove me wrong and show me that she's actually a nice, decent, and caring human being but I doubt that you will. I would ask for a written apology from her but I'm scared that, if I send you my address, she'd come and stalk me as well.

If these articles were promotion for her book you can count me out from buying it. They're in extremely poor taste and even you have to admit to that. As such, you've now lost me as a customer and I'll be encouraging my friends, family, and community to do the same. 

Yours,

Rae

Kathleen Hale tracks down and visits the house of a critic not once, but twice.

Kathleen Hale stalks and bullies someone who accused Hale's own mother of molestation.

Dear Internet

Dear Internet,

Can we please pause and take a collective breath?

Recently I've been horrified to read a number of news stories of people who've killed themselves because they've been bullied on Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr, or some other random website. You may sit there and think, "Well, they shouldn't have taken it so seriously".

No, it shouldn't have happened. It should never happen. Unfortunately it does.

I know that people will always argue. It's part of who we are. It's part of life and of having an opinion. But, with the internet, you don't know how a person is feeling. You don't know if they're happy, sad, or if they've just lost their lifelong partner. You can't see them so you can't read their emotions. They may have told you that they're happy while, on the inside, they're screaming for help.

I know because I've done that. I, like many millions around the world, have been bullied both in real life, and online. I've been bullied for my accent, for my hair, for my clothes, because of where I'm from, because of my weight. I've been called names, been ridiculed in public, been screamed at on forums. I've been torn apart for the pettiest, most trivial things.

It takes courage to be able to walk away from it all, to tell yourself that you're better than it. Unfortunately, some people don't have that courage and they see the only way out through dying. What a waste of a life. What a waste of potential. That person who killed themselves because someone on Facebook called them fat? They could have cured cancer. They could have saved your pet's life. They could have been the one who established life on Mars. They could have. They could have. They could have.

I've been in the sad situation of having to counsel people who've lost ones through bullying and it's never pleasant. Often the victim has plastered on a face, hiding what they're really feeling. The question which always gets asked is "Why?". Why didn't they say something? Why didn't they get help? Why couldn't I see there was something wrong? Why couldn't I help? Why? Why? Why?

So please, before you hit that "Send" key, think. What are you saying? Would you want to be the target of that? How would you feel if it were you? Take a deep breath and walk away. It's not worth it. It's not worth the pain and the tears and the heartache.

So please, let's have some civility and thoughtfulness for others. If you're a victim, please seek help. There's plenty of people who will help you find a way out, and never forget that someone, somewhere, loves you. If you see if happening, whether in real life or online, please step in and stop it. You never know, you might save a life.

All our love,
The World.